This is me being way to honest...

*Edit* I shouldn't have vented all my feelings online, especially since I feel differently today. I was in a mood, you shouldn't write when you are in a mood, now I've hurt people's feelings. I'm sorry.

"This is really Cereal Guys!" ~Josh

I don’t know why but I’ve been feeling really smothered. I think it may be because of all the outings I’ve had with guys. Maybe its just the one guy that’s really doing it but I feel like they are pushing and smothering and trying to get down my pants! I just want to be left alone right now!

Ok I will admit I’ve been craving physical contact but not of the sexual kind, I just miss cuddling. Everyone always seems to make cuddling sexual…

Derek is confusing me… so he doesn’t phone me to break up with me and does it through a fucking email but he phones me later about my party and to say how he was a coward and how he will phone me later and I guess still wants to talk. I just don’t know. I’m not totally over him; I realize that when I really think about it. But I guess I’m not just going to get over him like that, cause despite me trying to not get attached to him I did. Gah! I am being a stupid girl again! Guys and relationships do not control my life, I do. God I can be dumb sometimes.

Anyways it’s not like that’s a big thing right now, there are so many other things and as I said before I am happy to be single and not have to worry about or base my schedule around a guy.

I won Grade Representative so now I am on student council. Funny what 2 years does. From dating a total greasy looser, thinking I’m a vampire and not doing so good at school and not being happy to being happy with a good relationship with my parents, good grades and not crazy!

My party yesterday also went well, my cousin James was here too so he got to meet all my friends… well not all of them where my friends, I didn’t know all of the people who came. It wasn’t too crazy though, definitely wasn’t quiet though. Had a shit load of cleaning to do in the morning.

I am so tired though, I am definitely burnt out. G’night.

~Hilary

Pictures of me, Pictures of you...

Derek broke up with me through an email. That was a rather jackass thing to do, I think he owed it to me to tell it to my face or at least a phone call. I think it shows how he does have more growing up to do.

We both saw this coming though; I think I saw it before he did. It was fun while it lasted but from now on I am staying clear of long distance relationships cause even if you both really like each other if life gets in the way that’s it, you’re screwed, like Derek and I.

I am surprised we stayed together so long actually; especially with him breaking my collarbone and me saying we shouldn’t have sex…

Anyways I’m pretty much over it, because I saw it coming it didn’t hurt as much or did as much damage as it would of if it was out of the blue. I think I am also kind of glad not to be seeing anyone.

I realized that I haven’t had no guy trouble since January! I think I need the break from guys. Guys seem to be keeping me incredibly busy with coffee and movie outings. Its nice to have friends and to be busy and all but I do wonder what they’re after… *shifty eyes*

The wedding in Quebec was awesome! School is going well.

Everything seems to be going well.

I’m running for grade 12 representative at school, hope I win.

Don’t know what else to say… I’m just going with the flow, taking what life gives me and trying to make the best of it.

If you read this Derek I really do hope your life sorts itself out and that you realize that life isn’t just about work and even though I think you really did owe it to me to call me that was your decisions and… well… ya…

~Kitty

Me going over Elbow falls before I broke my collarbone...

Hormones Suck!!!

The one thing I hate about being a girl (besides the big breasts) is how once every month your emotions have to be taken on a roller coaster ride because of your god damned hormones! Even if a problem is small and it didn’t bug you before, with hormones it is the biggest disaster ever! Or at least that’s how you feel. Your rational mind still knows the problem isn’t a big one.

Well that’s what’s been happening to me lately. I was arguing with mom about something stupid and then we got onto how I was bored as hell on my days off especially since I broke my clavicle. Well I broke down; I started pitying myself and being stupid and emotional. I did manage to become rational again but I did realize my situation isn’t ideal by any means.

Since I broke off all contact with my group of friends that I had before mid way through the first semester I had to start all over again. But making friends at school wasn’t easy because of how much of a freak I had been. As everyone knows, though, I really changed when I turned my back on the friends that where not leading to me having a healthy and happy life. So for a short time I was friendless, kind of. I found a lot of girls at school that I liked and we hit it off in that awkward way girls do before you get really close. I think I only made two really good friends (Crystal and Kiersten). I wish I had made a larger group of friends while I had a chance at school but it wasn’t possible with all the classes I had and working almost every day. I think with the situation I was in and everything I did a pretty good job in starting over and pushing myself back out into the world of high school and socialization.

So yes, I do get lonely every once and a while (on the few days when I’m not working), that is when I can’t see Derek. I am scared I will get dependant and be put in a bad emotional spot again like with Dan. I didn’t have a lot of good friends when I met and was dating Dan and then the friends I did have where Dan’s friends. But because I didn’t have anyone else to turn to when I wanted to do something or hang out when I was with Dan he became my world. I became unhealthily attached and I am determined never to do that again. But unfortunately that is the situation I am in…

It isn’t that I have no one to hang out with, far from it. Just the friends I do have that I like to hang around with don’t have free time when I do (I do have really weird days off). It was thought that I would meet people I could kayak with at work and I would have but now with me being a gimp for the rest of the summer kayaking is out of the question. On top of that the guys that I do work with that are close to my age are both stoners to the extreme and have horrible social skills. Since when is throwing full water bottles at a cripples head a way of joking around!

I saw a specialist today about my collarbone. She says it is a bad break but that its starting to heal and that I could start doing my morning runs again and stop wearing my sling soon.

I wont give anyone the details or anything but Derek doesn’t fit the pattern of guys I like or date at all. This I think is a good thing considering the ass holes I’ve been known to like. Not that he is perfect, far from it, but he is perfect for me it seems. He is the first guy that I feel I have my own life and that he isn’t taking it over. I also never get all worried about if we are working and if things are ok and all that other girly insecurity that I always use to feel. We do seem to talk every night though, but it’s different. Instead of me calling him every night we just call each other when we feel like it. He does phone me a bit more often that I phone him; I think that has something to do with his last girlfriend. God she sounds like she was high maintenance. I like to think I am no longer that girl that needs to be reassured about how much her boyfriend loves her. I actually think if you have to show other person proof that you like them then your relationship will fail, guaranteed. Every once and a while I think a gesture of affection is good, it strengthens your relationship, but if you do it to much your relationship will just get tired.

Ha! Not like you should listen to me but that’s my two cents.

So to sum up besides the hormones things are going well.

~Hilary

Oh golly!

Apparently even when my hair isn't done, I'm sweaty, have a sour face (because I was in pain), a broken collar bone (and the lump was visible) and have a funky looking makeshift figure 8 sling made out of pj fabric I still get honked at, not just once, a few times, in the 20 minutes it takes to walk home from crowfoot! Derek says it's the boobs.

This figure 8 sling has left me uncomfortable most of the time because it pulls my shoulders back so much. It makes my arms fall asleep every once and awhile too. But it is either face this for a couple of weeks and maybe get better posture or deal with my collar bone being increadibly overlapped when it heals.

Ok well Derek is coming over in a bit and typing is starting to get painful again. Cya!

~Hilary

PS. I got tons of cool pics from our camping trip on my Facebook profile, take a look!

I am one hurting unit...

Ok so because it is kind of hard to type I need to keep this short.

So yes I broke my collar and it is a bit of a bad break. I went and got more xrays and saw my doctor today about it, we will see what happens. I broke the bone in a quadding accident while camping with Derek and some other guys, Derek and the other guy involved felt really bad about it. Me and Derek are still going strong though. I am still suprised he didn't leave me after how bitchy I would be in the mornings before the pain meds had kicked in. It sucked to cause the accident happened on the first day of camping (we where out by Nordegg for 4 days). We did have a few serious conversations though. He is such a cool guy, even though he feels I am smarter than he is I feel he has a greater potential than I do. I was suprised when he made a rather racist comment but it didn't take much for him to realize it and for him to understand what he had said and why it was just wrong. It was and innocent mistake though, nothing to get annoyed over.

I wonder if Derek breaking my collar bone is a sign... I don't think so though. We seem to work rather well together, even though he is almost to honest, telling me when I snore and talk in my sleep and all. But he is also honest about when I am annoying him and when I am being a bitch and I like having that good level of comunication, because I have never been one to shy away from telling someone when I think they are wrong or when they are annoying me.

It has been hard taking care of myself though because my parents are also gone camping and arent back for another 5 days. I am managing though.

Drew still has 4 of my movies...

I dont know what else to say. Besides the broken collar bone things are going well.

The broken collar bone does mean my kayaking season is over and no going to callaway park this year and that for the next month I will have to take it easy.

It's karma though, with all the things I do and sports I play I was bound to break something eventually.

Time to go take pain meds and go to bed early... Cya!

~Hilary